Are you OK?

I had a huge AP test today, but that is only second in importance to a realization that I made while sitting in my booth, hearing instructions through a headset, from a lonely teacher at the other end of the room. As usual he was giving the regular pre-test rhetoric. “Don’t cheat! We will find out and you will FAIL!” he spewed, and as usual I didn’t really give a rip. But he ended off with something I’ve heard all too much that got me thinking. Right before he signed off he said in his nasally voice, “If you have any questions, please don’t hesitate to ask. There’s no such thing as a stupid question.”

What?! Who thought of that, that’s retarded! Of course there are such things as stupid questions. Here’s an example, I was playing basketball with my friends and I was going up for a lay-up, of course I missed the lay-up but as I was coming down I landed awkwardly on my ankle. One thing you should know about me is that I’m a bit of a drama queen, so after I landed I grabbed my ankle and started to scream a bit, you know making a big deal. After a while my friend on my team was like, “Hey, are you okay?” “Yeah” I said, “I just normally clutch my ankle in agony in the middle of a basketball game.” Finally the idiot figured out I was in pain and said, “Okay I’m gonna go get some help, what should I tell them if the ask which part of you is hurt?” “Well, both my hands are holding my ankle, so that might be it.” I said between dramatic yelps.

Here’s another example of a stupid question. “What for?” I’m sure we’ve all heard that question before, “What for?” Like this one time I was sleeping at a friends house and I wanted to clean my teeth, so I said, “Hey, can I use your toothpaste?” that wasn’t the dumb question, this one was. “Yeah sure” he says, “What for?” “What for? For my armpits! Isn’t that what you use toothpaste for?” I told him.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’d really like to abolish the phrase “There’s no such thing as a stupid question” because there is, and we shouldn’t be promoting these nonsensical inquiries. So the next time a teacher tells you there’s no such thing as a stupid question, just raise your hand and say, “Hey can you take your pants off? Is that a stupid question?”

Actually while I’m at it I'm gonna extend this to stupid answers as well, because of some hippie I bumped into after my test today. I was hungry and I had to wait another hour for a ride home, so I saw him and said, “Hey, do you know where the nearest fast food place is?” and he turns to me in his hippie accent and says, “Yeah bro, there used to be a Mcdonalds over there but they shut down and were replaced by some chick store.” Oh well that’s just great, because while we were talking I remembered that I had packed my time machine with me, so I can just go back in time to when Mcdonalds was right there, or maybe I could just forget the time machine and just go in and eat a skirt or something.

Finally, and this is my favorite stupid answer, I was at footlocker one time and I had found a shoe that I thought was pretty sharp and I asked the guy, “Hey, do you have this in a 9?” “Lemme check” he says and comes back with a box and says, “I have it in a 7” Oh great, because while you went to check it out I tore off all my toes, so a 7 should be fine.

To finish this off I guess all I’m asking is to not be dumb, or at least just don’t be dumb around me, because I will get pissed and write about you for others to laugh at.