What's up with David?!?

What's Goin' On?

2009-12-21T20:54:00.000-08:00

Why has my Account been Disactivated?

Damn you College

2009-11-11T12:50:00.000-08:00

I hate the college process. I've never really hated anything this much. I thought I hated schoolwork and world hunger until I had to start college applications. Turns out I didn't actually hate those other things, they were just kinda irksome. The only thing I really hate is the college process, hate isn't even a strong enough word to describe my feelings towards post secondary education, from now on I'm keying the term Nega-loathe, that's what I feel about College.

My old inspiration getting me through this was finally getting out of the house and leaving my prison-warden parents, but as the end of high school nears it seems theyre thinking of having me stick around a little longer. How will I ever be able to appreciate them without moving to the other end of the country?

Also I have a big issue with hollywood, more specifically college movies, even more specifically the movie "American Pie: Beta House". Now I went and rented this movie as soon as it dropped, because the voice over in the commercial said I had to, and he was right I did like it. In fact I liked it so much I actually started to think that college was actually like that. Oh was I wrong! I went on a college tour with a buddy of mine a few months later where we spent the night in one of their dorms. However contrary to American Pie, I was not greeted by many scantly clad women, nor did I throw water ballons filled with my own bodily fluids at our rival fraternity. I didn't even get to do body shots off of strippers.

Exactly what kind of fine learning establishment was I visiting. If I wanted to do none of the above mentioned things I would have just continued to live with my parents. What will I do in my free time at this "school"? Study!?! Puhleeez.

Douche Bags Steal Entire Blogs

2009-09-11T22:21:00.000-07:00

It is often said that good artists borrow while great artists steal, I would like to make an amendment to that, from now on I’d like for the saying to say "Good artists borrow, Great artists steal, but only Douche Bags steal entire blogs."

It has recently come to my attention that there’s another blogger who has totally robbed me of every single one of my posts. She goes by the name of “Girl on the Run” which leads me to believe that I’m not the first person this hack has stolen jokes from. Not only do I feel violated as my entire blog has been ran sacked, but this blog thief had the audacity to not only steal my material but then slightly tweak it in hopes that no one would notice it. REALLY?!? Really, Girl on the Run, if that is your real name and I’m sure it’s not, did you actually believe that by changing a few words and using the synonyms tool on Word no one would have been able to trace where you got your articles. Please give the people who read blogs some credit, they aren’t idiots.

To add insult to my already bleeding injury she didn’t only embezzle me out of my personal opinions she embezzled me out of all of my personal information. In my first two blog entries I talked about myself, my childhood, my dreams and, the times I’ve shared with my friends and she robbed me of that as well. What kind of monster are you? You stole my childhood! And of course once again she tweaked it slightly, changing my birth city from Toronto, Canada to…. Wait for it….. Keep waiting…. This will blow your mind…. Here it comes…. DALLAS, TEXAS!! Exactly what kind of Inbreed, Red Neck was I robbed by? A Texan? This better be some twisted joke because to disgrace the great city of Toronto by comparing it to the Backwoods of Texas that is Dallas is a crime worthy of death. But she didn’t stop there; I wouldn’t have gone on this rant if Girl on the Run had stopped there. That Bull riding, Cousin Marrying, Confederate sympathizer didn’t even check her grammar and punctuation, which she would have known is an all time pet peeve of mine if she had spent a little more time reading my pieces and a little less time STEALING THEM!

This is your final warning Girl on the Run, my friends and I politely asked you to remove my posts from your excuse of a blog, but now I have no other choice but to put you on notice. If you do not cease and desist your thievery I will personally make sure that the entire blogging community world wide sends you so many hate emails and death threats that the only computer in Texas crashes and you have no other means of continuing your lying and stealing ways. Because no one likes a thief, or a Texan.

For those of you who would personally like to see the thief’s blog it can be found at: http://sunsetseeker123.blogspot.com/

Pennies for your Fears?

2009-05-22T23:16:00.000-07:00

What’s the deal with that show Survivor, since when did poverty and hunger become cool? I mean I know that people are always trying to act ghetto nowadays, but Survivor is pushing it just a bit. Has anyone actually thought about the concept behind the show? It’s basically seeing how long one can survive in the Amazon, only rather than think logically and trying to build a raft of some sort in order to escape, the object of the game show is to outlast everyone in the hell hole that executive director Mark Burnett has selected. What’s more is that even once the contestants have arrived on the island or jungle, and realized what kind of crapshoot they’ve managed to get themselves into, they still refuse to leave. Rather they decide that they would prefer to attempt to win $100,000 all while risking malnourishment, hypothermia, and dysentery. Have people actually digressed to the point where they risk their lives for some cash, what are you gonna get today for $100,000 anyways, a boat? That won’t be as nice to have once the meningitis you gained from the island has left you permanently paralyzed from the waist down.

While I’m on the topic, who the hell thought up Fear Factor, the premise of the show is that people face their fears in order to win cash, not that much at that, only $25,000. At a quarter of what you can make on Survivor, this show is totally a stiff, unless of course your fear is being stranded on an island with strangers risking death and disease, which is quite understandable, then you’re victory is well earned, well about as well-earned as game show money can get. Also has anyone examined the events they have? It’s supposed to be Fear Factor, as in facing your fears, and I can’t speak for others but I have never actually feared eating pickled horse penis, matter of fact I never even knew you could pickle a horse penis. That’s the flaw with this show; it works under the belief that disgusted and afraid are the same thing. If that’s so then I’m also afraid of my mothers cooking, public bathrooms, and my father's back hair, all of which I’ve conquered, except for the back hair thing.

Lastly, Jackass. Now I love Jackass, I mean it’s by far the most fun I’ve had looking at animals and naked men, don’t ask. But I find that some of their stunts are disturbing simply for the sake of being disturbing. While I loved seeing Steve-O swim with sharks with a fish hook through his cheek, I don’t really need to see wee-man drinking horse semen. What’s the obsession with male horse reproductive organs anyways? Is it because they are easily accessible or simply because everyone is afraid of them? Well everyone, according to Fear Factor, is afraid of them.

Are you OK?

2009-05-20T20:06:00.000-07:00

I had a huge AP test today, but that is only second in importance to a realization that I made while sitting in my booth, hearing instructions through a headset, from a lonely teacher at the other end of the room. As usual he was giving the regular pre-test rhetoric. “Don’t cheat! We will find out and you will FAIL!” he spewed, and as usual I didn’t really give a rip. But he ended off with something I’ve heard all too much that got me thinking. Right before he signed off he said in his nasally voice, “If you have any questions, please don’t hesitate to ask. There’s no such thing as a stupid question.”

What?! Who thought of that, that’s retarded! Of course there are such things as stupid questions. Here’s an example, I was playing basketball with my friends and I was going up for a lay-up, of course I missed the lay-up but as I was coming down I landed awkwardly on my ankle. One thing you should know about me is that I’m a bit of a drama queen, so after I landed I grabbed my ankle and started to scream a bit, you know making a big deal. After a while my friend on my team was like, “Hey, are you okay?” “Yeah” I said, “I just normally clutch my ankle in agony in the middle of a basketball game.” Finally the idiot figured out I was in pain and said, “Okay I’m gonna go get some help, what should I tell them if the ask which part of you is hurt?” “Well, both my hands are holding my ankle, so that might be it.” I said between dramatic yelps.

Here’s another example of a stupid question. “What for?” I’m sure we’ve all heard that question before, “What for?” Like this one time I was sleeping at a friends house and I wanted to clean my teeth, so I said, “Hey, can I use your toothpaste?” that wasn’t the dumb question, this one was. “Yeah sure” he says, “What for?” “What for? For my armpits! Isn’t that what you use toothpaste for?” I told him.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’d really like to abolish the phrase “There’s no such thing as a stupid question” because there is, and we shouldn’t be promoting these nonsensical inquiries. So the next time a teacher tells you there’s no such thing as a stupid question, just raise your hand and say, “Hey can you take your pants off? Is that a stupid question?”

Actually while I’m at it I'm gonna extend this to stupid answers as well, because of some hippie I bumped into after my test today. I was hungry and I had to wait another hour for a ride home, so I saw him and said, “Hey, do you know where the nearest fast food place is?” and he turns to me in his hippie accent and says, “Yeah bro, there used to be a Mcdonalds over there but they shut down and were replaced by some chick store.” Oh well that’s just great, because while we were talking I remembered that I had packed my time machine with me, so I can just go back in time to when Mcdonalds was right there, or maybe I could just forget the time machine and just go in and eat a skirt or something.

Finally, and this is my favorite stupid answer, I was at footlocker one time and I had found a shoe that I thought was pretty sharp and I asked the guy, “Hey, do you have this in a 9?” “Lemme check” he says and comes back with a box and says, “I have it in a 7” Oh great, because while you went to check it out I tore off all my toes, so a 7 should be fine.

To finish this off I guess all I’m asking is to not be dumb, or at least just don’t be dumb around me, because I will get pissed and write about you for others to laugh at.

Prom Dress Pandemonium!

2009-05-06T17:04:00.000-07:00

As I was walking to class this morning, hoping that my history teacher would postpone our final, I caught a glimpse of a strange looking poster hanging on the wall. It was in the shape of an hourglass and it read “Got used prom dresses? Why not donate them to homeless girls all around Marin County.” This infuriated me. I immediately grabbed the poster, tore it off the wall, leaving it on the ground for who walk by to step on.
Now before everyone starts discussing their universal hate for how cruel and uncompassionate I am, hear me out.

One, I live in Marin County, the only people who are considered poor here are the ones with only two Mercedes’ in their driveways. I live in practically the richest place in all of California so I doubt there’s a large constituency of teenage girls who can’t afford prom dresses.

Two, even if there were homeless people in Marin, I doubt any of them are going to prom. You see when your homeless the first thing on your mind isn’t “Oh Crap! I can’t afford a prom dress for prom next week.” It’s something more along the lines of “Oh Crap! I can’t afford food to stay alive till next week.” So maybe we shouldn’t be collecting used prom dresses and instead start collecting donations. Next, and I mean this with no offense to anyone, but when you’re poor chances are you’ve had a little bit of trouble finding a prom date, especially if you’re a girl. Most dudes are shallow and aren’t all lining up to have their shot at taking “Down on her Luck Donna” to prom.

Finally, has the world fixed itself so much that the only charity the school could find to support is one that helps the homeless by giving them dresses? Are there no more wars or famine or diseases that need tending to that we’ve had to go this far down the list to aiding “Girls who will be kinda bummed out because they have no dress for prom.”? There’s got to be a cripple around here somewhere who could use our attention more than these girls.
Furthermore, this isn’t only the most ridiculous charity ever, most likely created by an Ex-Marin County beauty pageant contestant or a 4th grader, but it’s sexist. I don’t see a charity asking for used tuxedos for boys who won’t be going to prom this year. Not only was this absurd charity not properly thought out but I’m fairly certain that sexism of this nature is also unconstitutional.

I hope that whoever organizes charities at my school is the first to read this so they can finally get their head out of the clouds and snap out of the utopian society they think they live in where there are no bigger issues to tackle than who’s going to prom and who isn’t.

Swine Flu?

2009-05-03T21:19:00.001-07:00

There’s a very important issue I need to address right now. Swine flu! Actually it’s not swine flu itself I’m going to talk about it’s the absolute stupidity that generally accompanies an “epidemic” such as this. (I put epidemic in quotation marks because even though its classified as an epidemic by the World Health Organization, I’d hardly call a disease that has infected less than 1000 people an “epidemic”). Anyways some of the things people are doing in response to the flu are completely insane. The government of Egypt has decided that the first step to making sure that none of its citizens get the infection is to slaughter every single pig and piglet in the land. I’m sorry… WHAT!! That isn’t going to solve anything. A) There hasn’t even been a single case of the disease in all of Egypt, in fact in all of Africa. B) The disease was only in a few pigs in Mexico and then it got passed to a few humans in Mexico who then passed it on to America, and then subsequently the rest of the world. That means C) none of the pigs in Egypt have the disease so which political moron issued the order to slaughter all of them. Hey Egypt, why not invest all the money you would have spent on killing all the pigs in Egypt, into getting flu vaccines for all the citizens. That’s pretty much all it takes.

Next on the Agenda, here in the sunny state of California people are flipping out because of the disease, rushing to stores to buy countless little bottles of Purrel, to insure their survival in this time of crisis. No word of a lie a classmate at school is scared for her life with this flu running amuck. REALY?!? The virus has only managed to claim one life in all of the United States, and it was a baby in Texas. That’s the mass killer we’re all hiding from. It killed a baby. You know what else kills babies? Plastic Bags! Why not join the ranks of other countries like Egypt and start a massacre of plastic bags; it’s easily the next logical step.
Finally, my favorite piece of mass hysteria. Some genius in England created a website incredibly similar to the BBC’s site. On that site he wrote a fake article about a side effect of swine flu, get this, ZOMBISM! What’s worse is that countless people around the world believed him. Here’s an excerpt of his article.

“After death, this virus is able to restart the heart of its victim for up to two hours after the initial demise of the person where the individual behaves in extremely violent ways... The Netherlands confirms its first case of zombie swine flu, in a three-year-old boy recently returned from Mexico. After passing away early this morning, he rose from the dead and lunged at his mother.”

I don’t know whether I want to bow down and worship this guy for being the creative genius behind this, or punch him in the face for tricking a bunch of idiots in babbling about the rise of the dead and our race’s impending doom.

Either way I know that I won’t fall into the hysteria, matter of fact I’m going to do everything I can to go against the grain on this one. That means never washing my hands and biweekly pig farm visits. So a note to all those who bump into me, rather than a hand shake, a simple a wave is your best bet.

Also for those who don’t believe me, here’s the site:
http://bouncewith.me.uk/europe/8027043.htm

You Know What I Don't Get?

2009-04-21T18:40:00.000-07:00

I don’t get children’s television shows today. Exactly what kind of moral values are the television programs of today trying to teach children between the ages of four and twelve. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m an immense advocate for television and the enormous waste of times that generally accompanies it. Were it up to me every room in the house would contain a flat screen and that would go double for bathrooms. However it is because of the countless hours I’ve spent in front of my television set that I have acquired a heightened taste, or awareness if you will, of quality TV.

This isn’t to say that I have entirely lost faith in all television programming. God knows I’m a huge fan of sports and primetime, actually the teachers who grade my essays know that I’m a huge fan of sports and primetime, but the point I’m making is that as a whole I am not impressed by the less than stellar effort television producers have been putting into the cartoons of today.

Specifically, I have a big problem with Sponge Bob Square Pants. Since when did it become popular to invent TV shows right after taking shrooms? If you are unaware with this phenomenon, allow me to enlighten you. Sponge Bob is a children’s show that takes place underwater in a city called Bikini Bottom (Sexual innuendo much?). It stars a most likely homosexual sponge named SpongeBob. He works at a bankrupt burger joint, for his greedy boss, a crab. His best friend is a semi-retarded Starfish named Patrick. Other protagonists of this show are a squid suffering from extreme depression, and a female squirrel from Texas that is also an astronaut. I don’t know what kind of committee approved the airing of this show, which reminds me of your average acid trip, and even more importantly, who hired the creator of this show, a man who is probably a raging drug addict.

Aside from the disgraceful plotline, there is clearly much racial underlining in the show that television execs have carefully placed within the cartoon, taking for granted the innocence and naivety of today’s young. This may have fooled others but I won’t let it slip by me. To start things off there’s Mr. Krabs. His greediness and reluctance to spend money and the fact that he will risk his life and the lives of those around him for the smallest of pocket change is clearly an innuendo for Jewish stereotypes. In one episode he sold the soul of all his employees for the change that can be found in the pocket of a hundred year old ghost. Next the most obvious racism is exhibited in Patrick Star. Slow and dim-witted, Patrick deserves nothing more in the show except for a closer parking space for his apparent handicap. However, the racist undertone of the show is obvious. Patrick is meant to be an insult to African Americans. Not only do they exhibit him as a preschool drop-out but once you examine his living situation you will understand my point. Patrick lives under a rock, and all his furniture and belongings are made of sand. Without a doubt, Patrick lives in the Projects in the Bikini Bottom hood.

My point is that Television already corrupts people as it is. The last thing we need is to quicken the process. Another show that truly grinds my gears is Yo Gabba Gabba. I’ll spare you the grueling details but in a nut shell it teaches Children to become gangsters, before the age of four, with episodes that teach beat-boxing and probably drive by’s, gang colors and drug dealing (all in the much anticipated next season). Since when did childrens shows start to glamorize being a gangster. I thought that’s what rap music was for. Sooner or later such questionable characters as R Kelly will have their own children’s show. What Happened to the days when children’s television would be centered on a large purple dinosaur who gropes children on-screen.

Coming Within a 1-Meter Radius of Me

2009-04-20T23:38:00.000-07:00

So I though since I'm what the frequent bloggers would call a "Noob" to the wonderous world that is blogging, I should take some time to let the worl know the inner workings and intricate thoughts that is typical of David. And what better way to do that than obviously using a note about myself that I published on my facebook. You've probably done one of these notes for yourself if you're as avid a facebook user as I am.

1. Under no circumstances will I ever stop talking about myself, probably why I have a blog
2. I lived in Toronto Canada till I was 15. I love being a canadian, even though I know tons of people here will tell me otherwise
3. Fight Club is by far the greatest Movie ever made
4. I have three best friends (Two of them have the same first name) who all still live in Toronto. we talk every day and its still not enough
5. when i was young i got frost bite so many times that i now have the worst circulation ever in my hands and feet
6. I watch a lot of movies that most guys would classify as "Chick Flicks" i dont care the notebook was so sad
7. the only movie that ever made me cry was a dreamworks cartoon about a horse, named Spirit
8. My parents are so strict it physically hurts me
9. when im bored i look at the texture of the ceiling and see if i can see any pictures in it
10. I don't know what ill do if i dont grow up to be a doctor, everything else sounds so boring
11. i dont think a single day has gone by where i havent drank a can of Coka-Cola
12. i have the skinniest wrist of anyone i've ever met
13. Im really really religious, by California standards at least
14. my favorite place in the world is La Jolla in San Diego
15. That was where a total stranger taught me to surf, im still pretty crappy but he was really nice, he told me to call him joe im certain thats not his real name
16. As gay as this is gonna sound, it takes me forever to pickout my clothes in the morning
17. Nothing bothers me more than not capitalizing words that should be capitalized
18. its actually taken me over a half-hour to get this far in the note, i must not know a thing about myself
19. I've accidentally been hit on by moms more than is humanly possible
20. I love the toronto Maple leafs, even though they are the fourth worst team in the NHL as of today
21. Nothing satisfies me more than a well timed "thats what she said" joke
22. sometimes i think way too much, for instance i sometimes think that everything around me is just a reality created by my own mind and that at any moment i could wake up from this dream and come to a reality where things are totally different
23. If i could have one super power it would be to be able to stop time. id cheat on all my tests, the sky's the limit
24. Im the biggest procrastinator in the world, No matter how much time im given i will always do work the night before its due at 8:00 p.m
25. i have this thing where if a girl talks to me or comes within a 1 meter radius of me i instantly assume shes crazy inlove with me, half the time ill totally know its not true, but in the back of my head ill believe it
26. All for the sake of Mcdonald's Ive gotten into a car with a stranger at 12:00 am, been threatened at wrench-point (with a wrench) and verbally assaulted an employee who works there

So world what do you think now that you've been in the mind of the Menace? Lay it on me!

First of Many Posts

2009-04-20T21:50:00.000-07:00

So I just started this blog, and right off the bat I can tell its gonna be a great hit the likes of which the internet has never seen. You see I was talking about it with my buddy John and I was saying how if anyone has anything blog-worthy to post online it's me. Because lets be honest, a lot of the current blogs out there are just really lame. I read one the other day about this guy and his collection of ceramic figurines from the civil war. WHAT! Who would actually take the time to write something like that, I mean this post was long too. It was as if he was majoring in ceramic figurines and had just published his thesis online, and whats worse too is the amount of followers this guy was getting and the comments people were leaving. They were loving it. This left me wondering two things. One, how does someone who collect figurines know how to use the internet? Civil war Figurine collectors and advanced technology are like Tom Cruise and Coherence -- They don't go together at all. My second quetsion was, what the hell was I doing that made me end up on a site about the same figurines I'm not allowed to touch when visiting my Grandma.

So after I read that I made myself a promise, and this promise extends to those who check out my blog. I will never speak about anything nearly as dull. Not only is that a promise, its a guarantee. So help me God I will do all I can not to bore anyone.

Listen I don't want to hate on this guy for being who he is, but figurines arent my thing. I'm sure he's a great guy. No word of a lie it takes a certain amount of Cajones to start your own blog, I would know, and this guy was really rocking it, maybe i just caught him on a bad day. I dunno

Anyways back to the discussion at hand. When I told that to my buddy John he was like, "Hey man yeah, you know I'd read and it'll be sick!" So taking that advice to heart, I thought, "Yeah! I have some free time and I don't mind becoming an overnight internet sensation" So here I am people of the World. Your daily, more than you can handle, uncensored, dose of David!